*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
You Might Also Like
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
what the
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.