Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Here’s a meme
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT