Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
You Might Also Like
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby