Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.