I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
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If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER