Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You Might Also Like
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.