“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Did…did a minotaur write this
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.