Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Steam Forums
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?