“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.