There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
You Might Also Like
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me sliding into hell like
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.