Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire