Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
You Might Also Like
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Oh yeah that’s it
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family