fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
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Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too