Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass