{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
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*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.