Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
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My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
This is not me but this is me
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.