“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
This has made my week.
wish me luck lads
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.