*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.