i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My life in a nutshell
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out