My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I can fix him.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Wait a minute…
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
back to work
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.