My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
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Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“We will wed,” I threatened
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
This week’s mood.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
A friend helps you before you need it
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”