“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND