If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?