My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?