me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
You Might Also Like
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Facebook memories be like
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
is this a warning or an offer?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?