My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
See..?
.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Good advice.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.