I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Saint West, the patron of selfies
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Yup
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.