I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy