I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.