I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
how much for the angry fruit?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
me hitting on a model
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My circle of trust is a meatball
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts