Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
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10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being