Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Follow me for more life hacks.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
There is no “we” in pizza
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.