My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Happy Friday
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?