in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.