I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
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Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
What a year we’ve had this week.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.