More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.