Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
*has no idea what a book even is*
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.