You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
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Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…