I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
This checks out
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
TODAY
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.