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hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.