Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
A roof is a house hat.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.