Sweet. Free refrigerators!
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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.