My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
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Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”