One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?