orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Coffee for people with no kids
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her