I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
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9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.