“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
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If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.