I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
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me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.