That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
📽️movie date🎞️
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.