Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
You Might Also Like
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call